"How are you doing?"

"How are you doing?"
How many times I have asked this question of friends and acquaintances going through griefs, hardships and numerous trials and temptations. But do I mean it when I ask it?

It struck me this week when several different friends asked me this question. No, I am not going through a major loss or illness or even a fierce trial. They are asking because they, too, are mothers and their motherly hearts are torn in empathy when they hear us speak of our single daughter going halfway around the world for at least a year, to a city where she (and we) know not a single person, where she does not speak the language or understand the nuances of the culture, in a region where there is a lot of racial and economic tension. So these mothers ask me THE question. Funny thing, I can tell that some of them are asking out of courtesy, some out of curiosity and some out of deep compassion. Their motives are not "good" or "bad" but different mainly because they have different levels of emotional ties with my daughter and/or me. The one who asks almost flippantly is not any less caring than the one who asks the exact same question with tears in her eyes and a break in her voice. Every single person who has taken the time to ask has given me a special gift, simply because in this, the busiest of Holiday times, they took the time to ask.

The most amazing part of all of this journey to date, though, has been that there is One who does not need to ask. He knows the innermost thoughts and emotions of Derwin and me both. He knows the motives and heart of our daughter, her struggles to give up closely held dreams to take this step forward, and her triumphs in seeing His Hand in opening and closing the doors before her if she will only stay focused on Him. Yes, I ponder on the many "what-ifs" from minor (loss of luggage or passport, getting on the wrong train, saying something rude), to the maximum disaster level (war, famine, violence, etc.) but it is amazing how God DOES provide peace when we seek it. Tomorrow we might find out that something has glitched the paperwork, or world events may change all our plans, or..... or.... or....

So to answer THE question, I am not doing very well and cannot begin to imagine how we will miss her. BUT the Spirit of Christ floods my motherly emotions and desires and replaces fear with peace.

Years ago I sat with a sweet young daughter beside me on the worn couch as she studied for Bible Drill. Together we learned 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." How can I do anything but rejoice when that same daughter, now a beautiful young woman, chooses to follow the Spirit who makes that promise to her, to me and to all of us who believe?

Idols come in strange shapes and sizes

In China we saw people praying to statutes of a bull, a dragon and even turtle. This brought to life the stories of the Old Testament where many were worshiping baal. Recently my youngest children and I passed a buddhist temple that had just added a new buddha to their property. My youngest son commented on how foolish it was to worship or pray to something made of stone or metal, which could not see or hear or even move. How true this is but there are also idols that do move, see and hear. Huh? Well, in the past months I have come to the shameful conclusion that I have had idols in my heart that are living. For several years I struggled with knowing that worldly possessions, titles, jobs, money were all idols deeply embedded in my heart and desires. As I rid myself of those, I had mistakenly, and harmfully, become self-righteous thinking that finally I had no idols left, but had genuinely placed Christ first and only as my desire. Wrong. Again.

A little over two years ago my niece was killed in a motorcycle accident. Among many other things, it made me evaluate how much I cherished my children. Yes, it is good to cherish and love your children. But what if the love of your children (or spouse) is your primary focus? What if in seeking to serve and love them you do not desire the Lord first and foremost? Then several other things happened with my family, my friends, loss of loved ones, that made me realize that my love and desires for the best for my children were not what they should be. These loved ones, their lives and their futures had become idols. Uggh.

So how do you balance the deep love of your spouse and children with the love of the Lord?

“Therefore say to the house of Israel, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD: “Repent, turn away from your idols, and turn your faces away from all your abominations. For anyone of the house of Israel, or of the strangers who dwell in Israel, who separates himself from Me and sets up his idols in his heart and puts before him what causes him to stumble into iniquity, then comes to a prophet to inquire of him concerning Me, I the LORD will answer him by Myself." - Ezekiel 14:6-7

"And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us an understanding, that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God and eternal life. Little children, keep yourselves from idols. Amen." - 1 John 5:20-21

Lately I have realized that my desire for a loving relationship with my husband, children who love the Lord, and other "good" desires were idols. Plain old idols. Maybe not made of wood or stone or bronze but just as bad. Sometimes it's easy to condemn what is obvious because it is not in our own heart, but very difficult to come to grips with condemning what is hidden within our own souls. Lord, help me to keep everything in its right place. Help me to love my wonderful husband and children but to always, always, every moment love You more. Keep me from all idols of all kinds.

One more label?

Over the past year I have been reading some great books such as "Radical" (and "Radical Together"), "Crazy Love", "Experiencing the Holy Spirit", "The Heavenly Man", and "The Spirit-Filled Life". One theme seems to stick out in all of them. What does it mean to be "Christian"? Is it a label we add to others, like American, White, Black, Asian, Accountant, Banker, Mechanic, College Graduate, Parent, Musician, Runner, Golfer, Neighbor, Gardener, Coffee Drinker, Friend?
I really don't like the word "Christian" because it has lost its true meaning and seems to be just another title or label with little or no meaning anymore. So many people call themselves by that name and have no relationship or knowledge of Christ at all.
At one point I liked "Jesus Freak" better - it designated a deeper commitment, a more radical stance than simply another label to slap on to our bumpers or facebook pages. There is a series of books entitled "Jesus Freaks" and I certainly don't qualify to stand alongside these amazing martyrs so I dropped that potential label.
What about "Jesus Follower"? Closer. But I do more than follow Jesus. I try to yield to and obey Him (although I do it pretty poorly) in every aspect, learning more of Him and His Way each day. Blind followers do not think and question and seek but true believers in Jesus Christ, the Messiah and King of Kings are told to do just that.
"Jesus Imitator" would be a great label, but would be a falsehood to where I stand and would seem to indicate that somehow my efforts bring me closer to Christ, when it is in Him and through Him that any growth can happen. "Under His Wings" is one I really like, because that is usually how I make it through each day. Yep, I think that one is the closest to any "label" I would like to wear. Under the Wings of the One who created me, loves me and keeps every molecule in its place in this vast universe. Pretty amazing that He calls me to come and allows me in my pitiful state to call on Him. Even more unbelievable is that He loves and forgives me when He knows the deep wickedness of my heart. But that's who HE is and so for now that is the "label" I choose if I have to do so. May you reside under His wings, too, and there find that it is a peaceful, joyful, satisfying thing to be there under the Wings of the One who loves you beyond the ability of all human love, even beyond our understanding of love. Oh praise Him!

Have you been purged?

Where do I begin to tell of what God has been teaching me lately? I think it begins with a question for all of us - what do I cling to? Let me think honestly, genuinely, what I have clung to over the years - money, home, job, dreams of a future where everyone lives "happily ever after", praise of others, spouse, children, physical looks, mental abilities, health, ......... And what has happened in the past few years? Many of us have been forced to come face to face with the insufficiency of these things. Parents have died, even some of my loved ones have lost children to physical death, spouses have left the home, many have lost jobs and homes and the self-esteem tied to them, savings and "security". Others have faced very difficult losses of health, broken engagements, broken church bodies, broken promises, broken hopes and dreams. So where is God in all of this? Everywhere I look either a friend, relative or I personally am experiencing pain and loss in each of these things. And do you know what? I can see God's love and hand clearer now than ever before. Because the love of God shines brightest when we hurt, if we will but take our eyes off ourselves or our precious "treasures". We give ourselves more fully to the One in charge when we finally face the fact that we are not in charge! Oh, what joy and peace comes with the pain of purging our tight grip on our "treasures"! Oh, how we can love on each other during hard times when we know Who is standing at the door of our hearts with the tissues and bandaids that will comfort those broken pieces left of our lives. Easy? Oh, no! My flesh and selfish ways want to scream at God that He does not need to allow these things. But without them so many of us would go on blindly and stubbornly stumbling through the world thinking it was all in our control. Thank you, Lord that it is not! When you cannot see God for the tears in your soul, feel Him in your heart. He is faithful. Always. Always.

"Death -
Death can be faced,
dealt with,
adjusted to,
outlived.
It's the
not knowing
that destroys
interminably...
This
being suspended
in suspense;
waiting - weightless,
How does one face
the faceless,
adjust to nothing?
Waiting implies
something to wait for.
Is there?
There is One.
One who knows...
I rest my soul on that."
— Ruth Bell Graham

Books (of course!)

Well, it has been some time since I posted about my third favorite topic - books. (Want to know the first and second favorites? Try to guess!). The summer generally means more reading for most folks, but since we spend so much time on the farm, in the yard, outside, etc. it actually means less reading for me, at least. Emma Kate did get quite a bit of reading, carrying a book with her when we went to the dentist, grocery, or pool. Every spare minute was a minute for her to read (wonder where she got that desire from ??!!). If you are interested, her books included The Hobbit, The Fellowship of the Ring, Perelandra, Out of the Silent Planet, Adventures of Northwoods (series), Viking Quest series (books 1-3),

Ethan has not jumped into individual reading very enthusiastically yet. He spent lots of hours reading/browsing nonfiction books, mostly about Motorcycles and Dirt Bikes, Star Wars, Legos and the history of guns and airplanes, but hopefully by next summer he will be into reading more on his own. He did read some Three Cousin Detective books, Frog and Toad series (for the umpteenth time), and some Matt Christopher fiction (that had motorcycles or dirt bikes in the action!).

For the beginning of school, Emma is reading Eagle of the Ninth, Ethan has read Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, and this week we have read Beowulf together (abridged version of course!). Next week we will be reading Augustine Came to Kent together aloud at lunch, and Emma will begin Otto of the Silver Hand.

But the most exciting news for me personally is that I am reading several wonderful books. I have another copy of Bertha Smith's Our Lost World (from Amazon for 99c and it was signed by her - very precious to me!) which I am rereading along with the book Back to Jerusalem by Paul Hattaway. I will definitely be writing a blog soon about how these two books, written 30 years apart, show that God's plan and timing are so perfect and so beyond our limited understanding, and yet He allows us to glimpse His compassion and love for each and every person in every nation if we will just open our heart to His. For devotional thought I am reading Ruth Bell Graham's book about Prodigals. Very heartening! We are still reading together through the Bible using the McCheyne Reading Plan

May the Lord bless the words we read to open our minds to His amazing glory and wisdom!

In the heat and drought....

Less than 1/2 inch of rain during the past forty days has meant many, many hours filling the tank, driving the tractor and watering trees. Some days I think I go to bed counting slowly to 30 in my head with my arms aching from aiming the fireman's hose to/from each tree while turning the hard steering wheel of the tractor. I just want it to rain. No, that's not true - I just want it to rain without hard winds and slowly soak in overnight with a slow, steady rain. Picky, huh?!
But with all this hot, dry weather I can't help but meditate on the "living water" and "never thirst again". When I have plenty to drink I honestly don't think about water. When it rains abundantly, I take it for granted. Only when I am hot and thirsty do I realize the amazing qualities of water. Only when it is dry and my throat is parched do I long for a cool drink. Recently I have had a drought in my spiritual life as well as on the farm. The living water is there, waiting, and I have chosen to get dry and thirsty. The Word of the Lord has been left stagnant too often and my heart has been drying up. I could chose not to water the pecan trees and watch them dry up quickly and die. What a foolish waste that would be. But how even more foolish a waste it is to let my spiritual growth wither up for the lack of quiet reflection on God's Word. The spring is flowing. Lord, help me to choose to drink from your well of living water. Help me not just to survive, but to grow and thrive so that your fruit will blossom for others. Make me aware of my thirst and feed me your water every moment of every day. Thank you, Lord, for the wonder of physical water and the satisfaction of living water. Let it flow!

Last Year's Weeds

This is the time of year that we attempt to "stay ahead" of all of the spring and summer weeds. OK, usually it's like a race comparable to "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" but not nearly as funny. One thing we have had to deal with this spring is the fact that we had a very nice, somewhat wet, fall. This means that just before frost last year we had a lot of new weeds take root. No problem, it frosted shortly after, right? Well, this spring that has meant two problems. One, more weed seeds just itching to sprout exactly where we don't want them, and two, a matting of old, dead weeds that block the herbicide from getting soaked into the waiting seeds. So what does this have to do with you and anything you would even vaguely be interested in? Sin. Yep. We just cannot get away from the analogy between weeds and sin. Check out Genesis Chapter 3. So as I try to remove the dead weeds, spray for new weeds and determine which can be pulled without damaging the trees' roots (i.e. have shallow roots themselves), I think on my "old mistakes" (aka sins), "new wrong desires" (aka sins), and "bad habits" (aka sins). What a mess! But Jesus is better than Roundup, so I rejoice!! And as I hoe and pull at those weeds, I rejoice even more. For without those horrible weeds I would easily forget how bad the "weeds" are in my own life.

Sucker!!

There is hardly a day that goes by that I do not learn (or usually relearn since I am so poor at actually exercising my attitude and actions to use what I have learned) a lesson from the farm. This morning I was removing suckers from the lower trunks/limbs of the pecan trees. It is frustrating to see all of that new growth and energy being spent on suckers instead of being routed to the growth of the tree and its fruiting capabilities. Hmmmmm...... yep, I let too many little "distracting suckers" (wrong attentions) sap my strength from eternal fruits. I think that I should get a picture of these suckers and paste on my calendar. Just as a reminder of what is really important.

Good Friday Thoughts

Science can give us a feeling
of being smart.
Politics and fame can give us
a sense of importance.
Religion can make us believe
that we are actually good.
But when we look at the Messiah
hanging on a cross, beaten and bleeding
and breathing His last for our sin;
when we truly look at who He is
and what He has done,
we look at the Truth.
We are but foolish vapors
who are deceitful and selfish
in everything we do.
And yet He did this for us anyway.
The sinless Christ knows what we truly are
and yet He still chose to endure
that agony for us.
When I see Him through His Word,
I can see nothing of value in myself
for Him to love.
But He does.

Amazing mercy...

grace indescribable...

love beyond words.......

Let me never take my eyes off the One who hung on that cross.

Uncomprehensible

When I am in heaven,
Looking on Your Holy Face,
Will I be able to understand
The depth of your great grace?

When we bow before you
Seated on your holy throne
Will I comprehend
Why you chose me as your own?

When my eyes behold your glory
In its fullness and unveiled,
Can my heart perceive it
And not fully melt?

As we sing "Hosanna,
Worthy is the Lamb"
Can my voice join in
Without choking as I am?

In this world of sin
Even when we really try
We can't comprehend
How You must be up on high.

Tiny little glimpses
Like snowflakes in the spring
Are the only visions
Of your glory we can see.

Oh, how overwhelming
Is your sacrifice and love
For this vilest sinner
You chose to be with you above.

Help to dim my senses
To this world below
Seeing more of your sweet face
And your grace that overflows.

Mfangano February 2011 (short)

For those who have known me a while, you know that Kenya holds a very special place in my heart. When I was living for the success of this world, I had a job where I met and trained several Kenyans, who taught me a little of their rich history and showed me the wonderful hearts that they had for their country and its people (and hooked me on Kenyan coffee :) !). After I turned my life over to the LORD, I was very sorrowful that I had missed a great opportunity to share Christ with these precious souls since I was living so selfishly at the time. What a joy and privilege it has been over the years to know that God has "restored the years of the locusts" by allowing me to be a prayer partner and donor for several trips others have taken to Kenya. Recently some people from a church where we used to live returned to Kenya and began the journey to establish a "New Life Camp - Kenya", another amazing step in God's work there. Praise the Lord for those willing to go and serve, for those ready to hear of the hope and love of His Word, and for the joy of being able to be a "team member" by praying for God's people. Thank you, Lord, for technology that helps us to see and hear of your work! Thank you, Lord, for allowing us to see how You can turn what we meant for selfish desire into your Kingdom work. God is so good!