Joel meets Cinderella

Some (OK, most) of my friends would call me a "hopeless romantic". And yes, I love books and movies like "Pride and Prejudice" and "Love Comes Softly" . Get out the tissues and cry along with me, OK? But there is a problem in our media/entertainment saturated culture that is very disturbing even to an old romantic woman like me. Somewhere along the way many women (and men too, probably) have lost the sense of what is fiction and reality. We have plunged into the pool of feel-good entertainment and forgotten that it does not mirror real, meaningful, precious and eternal life. It is simply a two-dimensional still portrait (and usually as fake as a touched-up portrait of a supermodel) of a living, breathing, changing, bought-with-a-price pearl of great price real life. Somewhere we have mixed up Cinderella's story with modern day teaching of "God will make you happy if you have enough faith". We have forgotten what the reality of life actually needs us to do. This is most evident in "Christian" marriages around me.

For some reason recently I have been intimately involved with five - yes five - marriages that are or were "troubled". These are dear friends, some almost lifelong, and all very dear to my heart. As I have walked beside, prayed with, cried on, opened my home, shared burdens and joys with each of these wives, I have seen firsthand the devastating effect of the "Health, Wealth and Happiness" myth that has been intertwined with the Cinderella "Happily Ever After" myth. And I have also seen the miraculous restoration of marriages based solely on the wife's willingness to "do things God's way", often at great turmoil and cost to herself and yes, even to her children.

What is marriage, anyway? Is it the joining of a man and woman until the "better" part is not evident, and the "worse" has risen its ugly head (you remember - "for better or worse"?). Is it a pact or agreement for short-term happiness? I think the idea of marriage being lifelong, for better or worse, richer or poorer, and most of all as a symbol of Christ's love for his "bride" has been totally lost in our culture. For sure, when I stood at the altar almost 33 years ago I had no idea that I was to represent believers and my husband was to represent Christ. I also had no idea of the joys and trials, ugliness and beauty, sorrow, death and growing love that would all become part of my being through my marriage. But I did know one thing - marriage was lifelong - a covenant - not to be thrown away but to be worked at no matter what. At one point I had forgotten this, and was literally in the car with a packed suitcase. There was no "love" left, no seeming chance of a "happily ever after" anymore. What stopped me? Why did I not back down that driveway? Why didn't my husband get on a plane and leave? I think part of the reason is that deep down we knew marriage was more than about the two of us, or even about the five of us (three children at the time). Somewhere we had been taught that our actions could affect lots of people, maybe in ways we didn't even think about. And most of all, I think it was by the grace and mercy of God that we did not walk away. Maybe because we had parents praying for us, maybe because Christ knew that someday, many years later I could look another discouraged woman in the eye and tell her to not seek divorce and she would know that I meant it.

One of these friends had eight years of suffering and pleading with the Lord, begging the husband not to get a divorce when what she really, really wanted was to get rid of the problems and move on with her life. After he insisted on divorce against her will, now two years later God has changed his heart through a men's Bible study, and he is now asking his wife for another chance! What if she had given up, remarried, "moved on"? For "His ways are not our ways" and we must be very, very careful who and what we listen to that guides our hearts, for our minds and bodies will follow our hearts every time.

So why do I write this post and share it with you? Because we all need a reminder that the culture is a strong tide and it is hard work, tiring and often discouraging to swim against the tide. Sometimes a rip tide will surprise you and pull you into a drowning marital strife where you feel completely lost and hopeless. It is at these hard - really hard - times that we need to remember that marriage is not all about "our happiness". Marriage should be a picture to each other, our children, extended family and the world around us that we have a hope and a joy that is outside of our own desires.

They should see us react in ways that are not "natural", for they are literally supernatural, spiritual and holy by the strength of the Lord living in us. Of course wives should never, ever stay in situations where they are abused, downtrodden or their children are in danger. But there is a great gulf of a difference between protecting yourself and escaping hard times. There is also a vast ocean of a difference between leaving a dangerous situation and immediately throwing the marriage to the wind. The past few weeks I have been blessed beyond words to watch two dear friends on their knees begging that the Lord would continue to give them love and patience for very selfish, difficult husbands. It is a testimony to me, who is blessed with a wonderful husband, and to others who are in various situations with believing husbands, addicts, husbands who spit at the name of Christ, husbands who run from responsibilities of caring for their wife or children. These women have shown me firsthand that we all seek "happily ever after". It's just that they have the wisdom and love of the Lord to know that the "ever after" is not in this world but the next. They desire to hear those precious words "Well done, my good and faithful servant" rather than running around leaving their shoes behind for some "Prince Charming" to "rescue" them.

May we each strive every moment of every day to make our marriages a picture of love, patience and everlasting forgiveness.

Taking a Weapon Into Prison

Did you know that it is a federal offense to take a cell phone into prison? Of course, when you think about it, it makes sense. But cell phones are smaller and we carry them with us everywhere so it would be easy to forget to leave it at home. But what if I told you that last weekend a group of men carried a weapon into a maximum security prison? And what if that weapon was so powerful that no walls could block its effects? And if I told you that this weapon was carried in a small box but that the components of it were hidden within each of the 30 volunteers that had met all security clearances for visitors and had proceeded through a series of scanners without anyone seeing the weapon?

It is not fiction. This actually occurred last weekend. Walls thicker than prison walls were penetrated and broken down. Walls of self-preservation built up by years of hurt and pain and mistrust and abuse beyond what most of us could ever imagine. Walls of unforgiveness, coated with layers of desire for revenge, reinforced by steel bars of determination completely dissolved away under the influence of this weapon. Unbelievable changes occurred; stone hearts transformed into pliable, loving, forgiving ones. Minds totally clouded by hatred and evil enlightened by love and hope. Hope. A visitor long forgotten by many of these men came back into their presence. Hope. A light in the darkness. Hope. Regardless of circumstances or surroundings.

A weapon that tears down walls but brings hope? Yes. A weapon that tears away lies and hurts, brandishes healing for old wounds, initiates the beginning of a new understanding of what life could be like. A weapon stronger than walls, more powerful than evil, more permanent than this earthly life. Last weekend my husband was overwhelmed when he realized that he was allowed to carry this weapon behind the prison walls. This weapon that would free anyone from the bars of sin, free anyone from the gates of hell, free anyone from the prison walls of unforgiveness and selfishness. As he stood holding the box that held this weapon he knew that Christ was honored by the men willing to carry this weapon into a place of darkness, in a way that would break down the thickest prison walls - those inside a man's heart. Some were softened to yield to the weapon by the display of love through homemade cookies, placemats made by children, prayer chains showing that they were not only not forgotten, but were remembered in sincere prayer. Praise the Lord for His weapon and for giving a few the honor of carrying it in to do battle. The victory is His - and it is already won!

Dealing with a difficult husband

Several friends of mine struggle with husbands who are...ummm... difficult. Really, aren't they all? But more honestly, aren't we all difficult? As broken, selfish,"sons of Adam and daughters of Eve" we are all pretty messed up. Yes, some more than others but all of us. No exceptions. I don't know about you but I could spend many hours and many days thinking about how to "improve" my spouse. In fact, I ashamedly admit I have done exactly that over the past 33 years. Now let's evaluate that. How much change came when I have tried my hand at "improving" my spouse? Well, my efforts did create some effects. Not usually positive, though.


Why? Because even though the two are one in Christ, there is really only one person you can change. Yep, you know it as well as I do. It is so much easier to "work" on changing our spouses, our children, our friends, our enemies. And it's tough, really tough, to honestly stare into the looking glass of God's Word to see our dirty, rotten, selfish selves. Think about it. What would you think you looked like if you had no mirror or smooth glass or calm pool of water to look into? Would you know when you had raccoon eyes from smudged mascara? Would you feel the smudge on your face? That's why I find myself often avoiding God's Word, or parts of it, or just casually reading it or worse of all, quoting it to others in a judgmental tone. I don't want to look at the smudge of sin on my heart. I want to avoid looking at the ugliness of selfishness.

So how do you deal with a difficult husband? The same way the Lord deals with you. Love, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control. Don't have them? Neither do I or any other human on this ball of earth. But Jesus has promised to give them to us if we let HIM live in us - His Holy Spirit on the throne of our hearts. With Him in control, I don't have to worry about what my husband is or is not. And then my husband may find he doesn't have such a difficult spouse to live with either.

"How are you doing?"

"How are you doing?"
How many times I have asked this question of friends and acquaintances going through griefs, hardships and numerous trials and temptations. But do I mean it when I ask it?

It struck me this week when several different friends asked me this question. No, I am not going through a major loss or illness or even a fierce trial. They are asking because they, too, are mothers and their motherly hearts are torn in empathy when they hear us speak of our single daughter going halfway around the world for at least a year, to a city where she (and we) know not a single person, where she does not speak the language or understand the nuances of the culture, in a region where there is a lot of racial and economic tension. So these mothers ask me THE question. Funny thing, I can tell that some of them are asking out of courtesy, some out of curiosity and some out of deep compassion. Their motives are not "good" or "bad" but different mainly because they have different levels of emotional ties with my daughter and/or me. The one who asks almost flippantly is not any less caring than the one who asks the exact same question with tears in her eyes and a break in her voice. Every single person who has taken the time to ask has given me a special gift, simply because in this, the busiest of Holiday times, they took the time to ask.

The most amazing part of all of this journey to date, though, has been that there is One who does not need to ask. He knows the innermost thoughts and emotions of Derwin and me both. He knows the motives and heart of our daughter, her struggles to give up closely held dreams to take this step forward, and her triumphs in seeing His Hand in opening and closing the doors before her if she will only stay focused on Him. Yes, I ponder on the many "what-ifs" from minor (loss of luggage or passport, getting on the wrong train, saying something rude), to the maximum disaster level (war, famine, violence, etc.) but it is amazing how God DOES provide peace when we seek it. Tomorrow we might find out that something has glitched the paperwork, or world events may change all our plans, or..... or.... or....

So to answer THE question, I am not doing very well and cannot begin to imagine how we will miss her. BUT the Spirit of Christ floods my motherly emotions and desires and replaces fear with peace.

Years ago I sat with a sweet young daughter beside me on the worn couch as she studied for Bible Drill. Together we learned 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." How can I do anything but rejoice when that same daughter, now a beautiful young woman, chooses to follow the Spirit who makes that promise to her, to me and to all of us who believe?

Idols come in strange shapes and sizes

In China we saw people praying to statutes of a bull, a dragon and even turtle. This brought to life the stories of the Old Testament where many were worshiping baal. Recently my youngest children and I passed a buddhist temple that had just added a new buddha to their property. My youngest son commented on how foolish it was to worship or pray to something made of stone or metal, which could not see or hear or even move. How true this is but there are also idols that do move, see and hear. Huh? Well, in the past months I have come to the shameful conclusion that I have had idols in my heart that are living. For several years I struggled with knowing that worldly possessions, titles, jobs, money were all idols deeply embedded in my heart and desires. As I rid myself of those, I had mistakenly, and harmfully, become self-righteous thinking that finally I had no idols left, but had genuinely placed Christ first and only as my desire. Wrong. Again.

A little over two years ago my niece was killed in a motorcycle accident. Among many other things, it made me evaluate how much I cherished my children. Yes, it is good to cherish and love your children. But what if the love of your children (or spouse) is your primary focus? What if in seeking to serve and love them you do not desire the Lord first and foremost? Then several other things happened with my family, my friends, loss of loved ones, that made me realize that my love and desires for the best for my children were not what they should be. These loved ones, their lives and their futures had become idols. Uggh.

So how do you balance the deep love of your spouse and children with the love of the Lord?

“Therefore say to the house of Israel, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD: “Repent, turn away from your idols, and turn your faces away from all your abominations. For anyone of the house of Israel, or of the strangers who dwell in Israel, who separates himself from Me and sets up his idols in his heart and puts before him what causes him to stumble into iniquity, then comes to a prophet to inquire of him concerning Me, I the LORD will answer him by Myself." - Ezekiel 14:6-7

"And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us an understanding, that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God and eternal life. Little children, keep yourselves from idols. Amen." - 1 John 5:20-21

Lately I have realized that my desire for a loving relationship with my husband, children who love the Lord, and other "good" desires were idols. Plain old idols. Maybe not made of wood or stone or bronze but just as bad. Sometimes it's easy to condemn what is obvious because it is not in our own heart, but very difficult to come to grips with condemning what is hidden within our own souls. Lord, help me to keep everything in its right place. Help me to love my wonderful husband and children but to always, always, every moment love You more. Keep me from all idols of all kinds.

One more label?

Over the past year I have been reading some great books such as "Radical" (and "Radical Together"), "Crazy Love", "Experiencing the Holy Spirit", "The Heavenly Man", and "The Spirit-Filled Life". One theme seems to stick out in all of them. What does it mean to be "Christian"? Is it a label we add to others, like American, White, Black, Asian, Accountant, Banker, Mechanic, College Graduate, Parent, Musician, Runner, Golfer, Neighbor, Gardener, Coffee Drinker, Friend?
I really don't like the word "Christian" because it has lost its true meaning and seems to be just another title or label with little or no meaning anymore. So many people call themselves by that name and have no relationship or knowledge of Christ at all.
At one point I liked "Jesus Freak" better - it designated a deeper commitment, a more radical stance than simply another label to slap on to our bumpers or facebook pages. There is a series of books entitled "Jesus Freaks" and I certainly don't qualify to stand alongside these amazing martyrs so I dropped that potential label.
What about "Jesus Follower"? Closer. But I do more than follow Jesus. I try to yield to and obey Him (although I do it pretty poorly) in every aspect, learning more of Him and His Way each day. Blind followers do not think and question and seek but true believers in Jesus Christ, the Messiah and King of Kings are told to do just that.
"Jesus Imitator" would be a great label, but would be a falsehood to where I stand and would seem to indicate that somehow my efforts bring me closer to Christ, when it is in Him and through Him that any growth can happen. "Under His Wings" is one I really like, because that is usually how I make it through each day. Yep, I think that one is the closest to any "label" I would like to wear. Under the Wings of the One who created me, loves me and keeps every molecule in its place in this vast universe. Pretty amazing that He calls me to come and allows me in my pitiful state to call on Him. Even more unbelievable is that He loves and forgives me when He knows the deep wickedness of my heart. But that's who HE is and so for now that is the "label" I choose if I have to do so. May you reside under His wings, too, and there find that it is a peaceful, joyful, satisfying thing to be there under the Wings of the One who loves you beyond the ability of all human love, even beyond our understanding of love. Oh praise Him!

Have you been purged?

Where do I begin to tell of what God has been teaching me lately? I think it begins with a question for all of us - what do I cling to? Let me think honestly, genuinely, what I have clung to over the years - money, home, job, dreams of a future where everyone lives "happily ever after", praise of others, spouse, children, physical looks, mental abilities, health, ......... And what has happened in the past few years? Many of us have been forced to come face to face with the insufficiency of these things. Parents have died, even some of my loved ones have lost children to physical death, spouses have left the home, many have lost jobs and homes and the self-esteem tied to them, savings and "security". Others have faced very difficult losses of health, broken engagements, broken church bodies, broken promises, broken hopes and dreams. So where is God in all of this? Everywhere I look either a friend, relative or I personally am experiencing pain and loss in each of these things. And do you know what? I can see God's love and hand clearer now than ever before. Because the love of God shines brightest when we hurt, if we will but take our eyes off ourselves or our precious "treasures". We give ourselves more fully to the One in charge when we finally face the fact that we are not in charge! Oh, what joy and peace comes with the pain of purging our tight grip on our "treasures"! Oh, how we can love on each other during hard times when we know Who is standing at the door of our hearts with the tissues and bandaids that will comfort those broken pieces left of our lives. Easy? Oh, no! My flesh and selfish ways want to scream at God that He does not need to allow these things. But without them so many of us would go on blindly and stubbornly stumbling through the world thinking it was all in our control. Thank you, Lord that it is not! When you cannot see God for the tears in your soul, feel Him in your heart. He is faithful. Always. Always.

"Death -
Death can be faced,
dealt with,
adjusted to,
outlived.
It's the
not knowing
that destroys
interminably...
This
being suspended
in suspense;
waiting - weightless,
How does one face
the faceless,
adjust to nothing?
Waiting implies
something to wait for.
Is there?
There is One.
One who knows...
I rest my soul on that."
— Ruth Bell Graham