Behind the Walls Lies Freedom

Today the men finished up Kairos #3 Prison Ministry event at Nash Correctional.  As always, we find the ending to a Kairos weekend joyous, overwhelming and leaving us invigoratingly exhausted.  Yes, that's an oxymoron at the surface but is a most apt description when you understand, or better yet, personally experience, the fact that when you truly seek God's will in your life He can give you a strength and joy beyond anything else you will ever do, no matter how much time or effort is or is not put into it.   Reach out - here's a sample - taste and see what I mean.

At the beginning of the event, the volunteers, who have completed 4-6 full days of training and preparation before going in, meet at a local church to finalize preparations and review Rule and Regulations of the Institution.  Every word, action, movement, even down to a cough or laugh or needing to take a bathroom break is all critiqued by the officers and residents of the Institution.  Then going through security, sometimes being questioned about the shoes or eyeglasses you are wearing, passing through scanners, lining up behind an armed guard, being escorted through multiple gates, fences and doors - think this creates a bit of stress on the volunteer?  Oh, yes.

Then you meet the residents - men of every age, race, background imaginable.  And they are watching and listening to you.  Pressure?  Oh, yes.   Then you take your turn at speaking, leading chapel, praying, interacting with the men at your table, trying desperately to listen, really, truly listen with all of your heart and mind, to what they are sharing with you.  Much of what they share is highly emotional, deeper wounds than any physical surgery imaginable.  Some of it is almost - or truly - horrifying.  But you need to not only listen with your ears and heart but truly, honestly listen with the love that Christ has for these men (and all of us).  Exhausting?  Yes again.

You get home about 9pm but needing to "unwind" from the intensity.  The next morning you rise about 5am, drive to the facility and repeat.  Then the next day and the final day. 

So why go through all of this?  Because when God has called you to be His instrument, He is your source of strength.  HE is your source of love for these men.  He is your Creator who pours out His grace and mercy to you as well as to the men searching for this truth.


Nash #3 was no different from other Kairos events in those general ways.  And yet, like all of God's creations, it had its own beauty, it was its own unique masterpiece of showing God's love.  Comments from the participants ranged from simply, "This has been an encouraging time to me that will help me in my walk with Christ for years to come" to "Tonight I will pray to let Christ rule my life.  My family and former colleagues (fellow residents practicing a pagan religion) will be very upset with me and may give me a hard time, but I will put my trust in Christ."  One man shared privately earlier in the weekend that within the same walls as him was a man who had once assaulted and came very close to killing him in another institution.  Both men are now totally changed - forgiven and forgiver - brothers in Christ.  If these men can truly forgive and love each other through the Holy Spirit's help and in obedience to Christ's commands to forgive, what pettiness is it that I think I need to hold on to?!  If a man who has been feared dreadfully in almost a dozen different institutions can now look at you and tell you that through Christ he truly loves all of mankind, who is beyond me loving?!  Yes, by the end of the weekend, you are physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted.  You are challenged and stretched to realize how very petty and self-centered you can be.  But, oh, how wonderfully invigorated to know that you allowed yourself, even as poor and weak as you are, to be a part of a great work by a Great Redeeming God! 

If I Could Save Time in a Bottle.....

Monday morning we got word that another cousin had committed suicide.  He was very young, early 20s, and seemed to have "everything" going for him - good job, stable family, nice girlfriend, new car....everything a young 20s American Male could want, right?  Did anyone on Sunday morning know that before midnight that night that young man would be coming face-to-face with eternity?  Of course not.  In fact, they are now saying it might not have been suicide, but an accident.  The family is still in shock and cannot process what has happened.  It will be a long time before the reality of it sinks it for anyone.  Just as we began the day normally May 8, 2008, not having any idea that by 10pm our sweet 18 year-old niece would be a victim of an accident and all our lives would be forever changed, marking her birthdays and holidays with a very vibrant piece of the family fabric torn away.

So why am I sharing all this on a blog?  To depress you?  No, quite the opposite.  To warn you, give you a reason for joy and laughter today and a hope for tomorrow.  Each day, each minute, is a gift from God.  He seems to be trying to teach me this over and over lately.  Just as I have been convicted of poor stewardship of money, and not using it always for HIS Kingdom, I am now convicted of my poor stewardship of time.  No one knows how many days, weeks, years, or minutes we have left on earth.  Yes, there are some that know they are quite close to death because of age or health, but we often forget that each of us is only one breath away from judgment - and eternal joy or eternal pain.  We don't like to talk about it because we don't like to admit the reality of it.

So, how do I use my time - whatever it might be - in a responsible, "stewardship" way and not in selfish pursuits?  Many of us have convinced ourselves that days spent caring for others is a good use of time.  But is it the best use?  What I mean is, are you doing it for self righteous reasons or to further God's Kingdom?  Are you begrudgingly caring for your children, parents, in-laws, neighbors, friends, or is it out of joy and love from Christ flowing through you?  I am not asking you in condemnation, but rather in conviction of how far short I am of doing this on a daily basis.  This week I spent pretty much of my time "serving" others - cooking, laundry, cleaning, babysitting, teaching school, grading papers, sitting in doctor's offices, driving people around, etc.  But honestly I have been a true and faithful and loving servant very little of that time.  Most of it was done from routine, obligation, habit, etc., telling myself that it was singing praise for God's glory and Kingdom, but my attitude, and lack of grasping opportunities to interact and share love and hope with even strangers as well as my own, plays a different tune.  The things I spent time on were worthy things, things that can or could have glorified God, but I must always make sure that they are done for the right motive and with the right attitude.  That requires continuous submission to the my Savior, continuous, deliberate willingness to go and do not only WHAT He calls me to do, but harder still, HOW He calls me to do it - in pure, unselfish, His-righteousness-only kind of love. 

On Monday we received our copy of a book entitled "More Than "I" Can Handle"  by a sweet Christian "sistah" of mine (love being called that and calling her that!) who has been challenged by the Lord in many ways to turn ALL of her life - body, soul, finances, spirit and TIME - over to the Lord and HIS work.  I laughed and cried with her as she recounted the journey their family has made to date, the struggles and joys of following the Lord's plan no matter how "crazy" others may see it (don't you know Noah was mocked and called "crazy" as he spent his time hand-building an ark the size of a small stadium?!).  Read her story and be blessed - and convicted - by how she, Jerry and their family spend their time and energy.  I was reminded again of why God calls us to love on the fatherless, the widow, the poor and downtrodden.  This requires a love that we know cannot be for self, cannot be because we expect "repayment" from them. 

Today - right this minute - I will once again turn my time over to the Lord.  I will ask HIM to keep me conscious of this precious treasure we call time.  We might not be able to save it in a bottle, we might not know if this is our last day on earth, or the last day for a loved one or the stranger we meet in the store, but we can certainly spend every precious drop of time for eternity instead of on worldly, selfish pursuits. 

"For what shall it profit a man if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul?"  Mark 8:36

Become as little children

Some time back I read a book entitled "Waking the Dead" by John Elderidge. The scriptures he quoted really spoke to me about how I need to seriously make sure that my heart, my whole heart, not just my head or part of my heart, is revived by the Lord. Then this morning in Matthew 18 I was reminded of Mr. Elderidge's chapter about becoming like little children. Now revival and being child-like may be two different topics to you but it is clear to me that the main reason I don't allow Christ to rule in my whole heart is my unwillingness to become child-like. Time and again the absolute best things that have happened in my life have been when I have turned over control to the Lord. So why do I fight what I know is the best? My insane desire to be in control, to be the decision-maker, to be the thinker, to be... well, un-child-like. Untrusting. Unyielding.

So today begins (again) another day that I will pray for that child-like faith. And today (again) HE will be there to awaken my heart from its cold slumber of selfish sleep. Praise the LORD - every day HE will be there to re-awaken it as long as I live. And maybe somehow each day will take me one step closer to being a child - a child who willingly, unhesitatingly, trusting and obeying without question places my heart and my path in His nail-scarred hands.

Old Year Finished or New Year Beginning?

Glass half empty or half full?  Of course, both.  And yet as we begin a new year, I am amazed by how many people around me are "stuck" either wholly in the past or wholly in the future.  A dear friend's father has severe Alzhemiers and he is of course "stuck" in his childhood.  It is very sad to witness and hard to bear daily.  But many of us have spiritual Alzheimers.  We hang on to old hurts and nurse them rather than to chose forgiveness and move forward.  We feed old habits and use them as excuses for our lack of growth and maturity.  We harbor old thoughts and desires like Halloween candy found covered in pocket fuzz, refusing to give them up or laughing that they don't matter as we continue to cling to them.  The future, the New year, the new morning each day is fresh and clean, full of sweet aroma after a storm.  So it is vital that we see that the glass is both half empty and half full; the old year needs to cause us reflection as the new year causes us to be hopeful.  The word "remember" appears at least 250 times in the Bible.  God gave commands to His people over and over to remember - what He had done, what He will do, how we have disobeyed, what disobedience leads to, how He forgives and shows mercy, how wonderful things can be if we obey, etc.

If your parent disciplined you as a child, and you could not remember or chose to forget, when/what/why they disciplined you, would you have grown into the person you are today?  And yet how remiss we are to remember and ponder the workings of our Loving, Merciful Father.  So this week has been one for us to not only begin anew, but to look at the "whys" of our changes, the reasons that we should want to grow.  Not to be stuck in the past or hold on to old sins, but because of those old sins begin anew to desire the true glass of water - living water - to overflowing. 

"Lord, today and each new day, help me to remember your mercies and desire your new life to overflowing.  Help me forgive past hurts, leave old habits behind, retrain my heart and mind to dwell on You and not on my selfish passions.  Give me a sense of newness, eternity, and hope straight from your Loving Word.  Purge me of all fleshly desires and replace them with an intense burning for Your presence.  Amen."

PS - Thankful Tree

This morning we took down our "Thankful tree" and various other Thanksgiving decorations that the children made. We're preparing for Christmas decorations to come but since I keep telling my children that Christmas should be Thanksgiving (ie what better time to be thankful for God's great gifts than when we celebrate HIS most precious gift to us) I'm listing here what was on each leaf of our thankful tree:
Clouds
Fruit
Aunts & Uncles
Music
Grandma
$$
Friends
Flowers
Dad
Bible
GOD
Family
Light
Cousins
Dark Chocolate (No, that one wasn't mine!!)
Obedient, Thoughtful, Good Spelling, Hard-working Children (Only one from Dad!)
Jesus
Mom & Dad
Emma, Russ, Ethan, Matt, JoJo and Katy
Trees
Mom
Water
Doctors
God's Love for Us
Batteries
Brothers & Sisters
Food
Hospitals
The Bible
A Mom that Loves Us
Snow
A car & clothes
A Father's Care
Opportunities
Trees & Flowers
A mother's love
Our church
Coffee
A God of Second chances
Fire
Brothers & Sisters
Freedom
Emma
Police

As we begin the Christmas season, my prayer is that our family will continue to count the real blessings in life and not the presents. I'd love ideas about how your family does that, too.
-F

Please don't offend me by calling me a Christian!

You read the title correctly.  I can be offended if you call me a "Christian".  Of course I understand that most people don't mean any offense by calling me a Christian, and may even be complimenting me.   Personally,  I understand the term to mean "Christ-like" or "little Christ" and I am definitely not that.  OK, you might use the term to mean a believer in or follower of Christ, and if so, then you would call me a "Christian."  But in our society/culture, the term "Christian" has been so watered down (unfortunately by those of us who claim Christ and yet do not follow Him wholly) that it means simply something as easy as a person who attends church (of any kind), a person who was baptized (at any time, for any reason), a person whose heritage/parentage is "Christian", or even one who likes the moral connotations associated with true Christian beliefs.   So just as an "American" inherits that term by where or to whom they were born, regardless of whether they either loathe, love or live lethargically toward this country, the term "Christian" has unfortunately become a similar paradigm.

Just call me a mutt.  Seriously.  I'm more of a mangy, scraggly flea-bitten puppy than a Christian.  I have an amazingly loving, merciful master that tenderly carries me across the hard places, feeds and loves me, and tries daily to transform me into something more beautiful.  I cannot ever be the Amazing Master that He is, but I will try to quit running away so often.  Daily I am unfaithful and ungrateful, but He loves me anyway.  The change from the runaway mutt to a glossy-coated obedient servant is slow, and painful, and most often difficult due to my stubborn, uncomprehending nature and old, bad habits.  But the Master never gives up.  And someday, when I see Him face to face, I will be able to be called a Christian - "Christ-like" - when He truly transforms me from the dog I am into the glory of His own precious, bought-with-a-price child.  In the meantime, don't be surprised if I look (and act) like a freak from a sci-fi movie (part-mutt, part-child of God) - it's a good thing!

Broken Motors

A few weeks ago we were having a bit of a dry spell.  The pecan trees really needed water and my dear hubby was totally overloaded at work and trying to prepare for another Prison Ministry event.  In my stubbornness  zeal to help, I jumped on the tractor, pulled a full tank (1,000 gallons = about 8,350 pounds!) and began watering.  In rounding the bend to the third row it happened.  Something happened, although to this day we aren't 100% sure exactly what.  All I know is that I was headed downhill, the tank started barreling toward the tractor and God truly protected me with a quick (very unnatural for me) reaction to swing sideways and back uphill out of the way of the tank.  The pump and motor were broken in several places, smoke and water gushing forth and I was near shock.  How could that happen so quickly?  And how did I escape what could have been a fatal disaster?  I do not know but I do know several things.
1 - My stubbornness never pays off.  Perseverance is good, you say?  Yes, but there is a difference between the two, the first being very pride-bound.  I'm not a persevering person, I'm just plain stubborn.
2 - God protects us from so many things that we may never see and not even know to be thankful for.  This day I knew I needed to thank Him for His protection, but how many times do I not even know or notice?  How many days do I take life for granted?
3 - Lack of communicating with my hubby always - yes, always - leads to problems.  It had crossed my mind to call him that morning before I got on the tractor.  I tried to tell myself later that I didn't want to bother him in his busy schedule, but in my heart I knew that he probably would have told me that he would get it done.  Did I really do it just to help him or was it that I liked doing things myself, independently, my own way?  Ouch.

4 - God takes care of things.  We have tried to tell others and truly believe that this farm is God's; we are just temporary caretakers (and poor ones at that).  The water trailer broke the same week as our car A/C, my hubby's truck valves went out, he had to have new tires to pass inspection and a medical bill was due.  The water trailer repair would have to wait.  "But God," I cried, "it's the end of July in the most critical weeks and always the driest weeks of the year.  This is when I need the trailer the most."  So I prayed for money to come from "somewhere" to cover it (we had made a commitment not to go into new debt).  The money didn't come.  It still hasn't.  But guess what?  Rains have come instead.  We have had the most rain on our farm during the past four weeks (the rain started the afternoon after I broke the trailer!) of any of our records for the past 7 years, and of the past 21 years our uncle (just down the road) has recorded!  God has taken care of His trees.  It's been a great reminder that this world is His, down to the last blade of grass (or dandelion), the tiniest bird, the tallest mountain, the vast oceans.  All of it.  His.  He looks after the details.  Would He still be faithful if He had not sent money for the trailer OR rain?  Absolutely.  "His ways are not our ways; His thoughts are not our thoughts".   But He cares.  He has taught me that He doesn't need me - but He does want me.  He can accomplish His will with or without me but He calls me to be blessed by being part of His work.  If  I will just communicate with Him, thank Him, and let Him break my stubborn "motor".