Joel meets Cinderella

Some (OK, most) of my friends would call me a "hopeless romantic". And yes, I love books and movies like "Pride and Prejudice" and "Love Comes Softly" . Get out the tissues and cry along with me, OK? But there is a problem in our media/entertainment saturated culture that is very disturbing even to an old romantic woman like me. Somewhere along the way many women (and men too, probably) have lost the sense of what is fiction and reality. We have plunged into the pool of feel-good entertainment and forgotten that it does not mirror real, meaningful, precious and eternal life. It is simply a two-dimensional still portrait (and usually as fake as a touched-up portrait of a supermodel) of a living, breathing, changing, bought-with-a-price pearl of great price real life. Somewhere we have mixed up Cinderella's story with modern day teaching of "God will make you happy if you have enough faith". We have forgotten what the reality of life actually needs us to do. This is most evident in "Christian" marriages around me.

For some reason recently I have been intimately involved with five - yes five - marriages that are or were "troubled". These are dear friends, some almost lifelong, and all very dear to my heart. As I have walked beside, prayed with, cried on, opened my home, shared burdens and joys with each of these wives, I have seen firsthand the devastating effect of the "Health, Wealth and Happiness" myth that has been intertwined with the Cinderella "Happily Ever After" myth. And I have also seen the miraculous restoration of marriages based solely on the wife's willingness to "do things God's way", often at great turmoil and cost to herself and yes, even to her children.

What is marriage, anyway? Is it the joining of a man and woman until the "better" part is not evident, and the "worse" has risen its ugly head (you remember - "for better or worse"?). Is it a pact or agreement for short-term happiness? I think the idea of marriage being lifelong, for better or worse, richer or poorer, and most of all as a symbol of Christ's love for his "bride" has been totally lost in our culture. For sure, when I stood at the altar almost 33 years ago I had no idea that I was to represent believers and my husband was to represent Christ. I also had no idea of the joys and trials, ugliness and beauty, sorrow, death and growing love that would all become part of my being through my marriage. But I did know one thing - marriage was lifelong - a covenant - not to be thrown away but to be worked at no matter what. At one point I had forgotten this, and was literally in the car with a packed suitcase. There was no "love" left, no seeming chance of a "happily ever after" anymore. What stopped me? Why did I not back down that driveway? Why didn't my husband get on a plane and leave? I think part of the reason is that deep down we knew marriage was more than about the two of us, or even about the five of us (three children at the time). Somewhere we had been taught that our actions could affect lots of people, maybe in ways we didn't even think about. And most of all, I think it was by the grace and mercy of God that we did not walk away. Maybe because we had parents praying for us, maybe because Christ knew that someday, many years later I could look another discouraged woman in the eye and tell her to not seek divorce and she would know that I meant it.

One of these friends had eight years of suffering and pleading with the Lord, begging the husband not to get a divorce when what she really, really wanted was to get rid of the problems and move on with her life. After he insisted on divorce against her will, now two years later God has changed his heart through a men's Bible study, and he is now asking his wife for another chance! What if she had given up, remarried, "moved on"? For "His ways are not our ways" and we must be very, very careful who and what we listen to that guides our hearts, for our minds and bodies will follow our hearts every time.

So why do I write this post and share it with you? Because we all need a reminder that the culture is a strong tide and it is hard work, tiring and often discouraging to swim against the tide. Sometimes a rip tide will surprise you and pull you into a drowning marital strife where you feel completely lost and hopeless. It is at these hard - really hard - times that we need to remember that marriage is not all about "our happiness". Marriage should be a picture to each other, our children, extended family and the world around us that we have a hope and a joy that is outside of our own desires.

They should see us react in ways that are not "natural", for they are literally supernatural, spiritual and holy by the strength of the Lord living in us. Of course wives should never, ever stay in situations where they are abused, downtrodden or their children are in danger. But there is a great gulf of a difference between protecting yourself and escaping hard times. There is also a vast ocean of a difference between leaving a dangerous situation and immediately throwing the marriage to the wind. The past few weeks I have been blessed beyond words to watch two dear friends on their knees begging that the Lord would continue to give them love and patience for very selfish, difficult husbands. It is a testimony to me, who is blessed with a wonderful husband, and to others who are in various situations with believing husbands, addicts, husbands who spit at the name of Christ, husbands who run from responsibilities of caring for their wife or children. These women have shown me firsthand that we all seek "happily ever after". It's just that they have the wisdom and love of the Lord to know that the "ever after" is not in this world but the next. They desire to hear those precious words "Well done, my good and faithful servant" rather than running around leaving their shoes behind for some "Prince Charming" to "rescue" them.

May we each strive every moment of every day to make our marriages a picture of love, patience and everlasting forgiveness.