Just flowers

It was on my mind during work, on the way home, cooking dinner. The most beautiful carpet that God's nature sows. Full soft purple mats of flowers singing the song announcing spring. And intertwined with this beauty,a noxious weed that I don't know the name of but am all too familiar with. For each spring, bursting forth among this gorgeous phlox carpet are thousands of sprigs of the nasty stuff. My daughter thought they were seedlings of phlox. The twirling, clinging fingerlings of the weed wrap around the plox and choke it, mimicking the flower but only for a brief time. For the weed will choke the flower, then wilt quickly in the sun and heat of the summer. Its roots barely touch the earth and it cannot cling to life with even the faintest hint of drought or overwatering or blistering sun or even dog paws running across it. And yet it continues to strive to strangle the phlox, whose roots are deeper, stronger, inter-connected, who faithfully carpets the floor of the garden with its beauty and fragrance; a gift to everyone and everything around it. Why do I tolerate these toxic weeds that are so opposed to the true flowers? Why do I let them have their season to drop their seeds to continue their battle against the phlox? Why do I let "little" sins choke out the truth and beauty of the Holy Spirit? Why do I allow bitterness and unforgiveness to drop their seeds in our family? Let me go get my garden gloves.........

In between

At this stage of life I thought I would have "it" all in place, in order, planned out. But... I'm in between 60 and 70, in between /almost empty nest, in between two stages - me still working outside the home and hubby "retired" - in between two communities, two churches, two homes in two states even! It might sound very odd to younger people, but 60s are weird (yes, 1960s were weird, too :D!). You have to plan both for the possibility of dying in the next few days/months and for living another 30+ years, contradictory options in many respects. But there are other "in betweens" thrpughput life that are hard, too - in your 20s it seems everyone else is married and you are "in between relationships"; in your 30s you might be trying to conceive and "in between" wanting to be a parent and successfully giving birth or getting that great news from the adoption agency; you might be "in between" a terminal disease announcement with a parent and that final gasping grief of loss; in between joblessness and a job; in between marriage counseling and reconciliation or separation; in between a bad decision and forgiveness and healing; in between surgery and recovery..... life brings some hard - really hard - in betweens. So how do we deal with these? How do I trust God when my ears ring with silence? How can I rest when my world is spinning in unsettled restlessness? How do I keep focused on love. and service. and peace when I am so totally overwhelmed with the uncertainty of all of these in betweens? Psalm 37 says 3 times what to do - wait on the Lord - and 3 times what NOT to do - do not fret. Many scriptures tell us to wait, trust, be patient, but today I went back to Psalm 37 during this hard "in between" to also read the do NOTS - do not fret! Lord, help me trust. wait, but most of all to not fret. Thank You for Your beautiful Psalm to remind me.

Squawking Ravens

It was one of those perfect sunrises. Gentle waves whispering to the sandy beach, puffy clouds clinging to the blue turning pink horizon. Tiny orange and yellow fingers rising silently above the clouds reaching upward in hopes of the sunburst yet to come. A couple of anchored sailboats rocked to slow rhythms in the distance but not a soul in sight to spoil the beauty of my perfect sunrise and communion with the Creator of this masterpiece. With my eyes and heart fixed on the eastern spectacle, a peace overflowed what seemed to be the whole world. Not living at the coast, an ocean sunrise is a rare joy for me and I breathed in every atom of the whole scene. .....And then.... SQUAWK! SQUAWK! On the pier light above me sat an ugly raven. "Shew!" I cried, waving my arms. Not sure why God created these things to interrupt His beauty. "Shew!!" I cried and waved my arms again, this time dropping my open Bible. By now I had decided that Satan was on the prowl and was in the form of a raven. A big, ugly, bill-to-big-for-his-head raven. Why wouldn't he fly away? I was determined now - the Mama bear in me took over and this creature was going to leave this scene if I had to climb that pole and knock him off. "Shew!" I continued to cry to no avail. Then I noticed it. The sun had risen, even chased away all the puffy, foggy wispy clouds and was continuing its journey. And the point of my joy - watching for the burst of sun onto the blue ocean - had been missed. But it was not the raven who had spoiled the sunrise. It was me. My thoughts, my focus, my attention had been on "my" experience and not the rising of the sun. How often, how very often, God has provided beauty and joy and peace and I have blamed the ravens for missing His blessings. How many times have I lost sight of THE light because I've been so focused on the world's distractions, my own perfectionist expectations of what it "will be"? I focus on the squawks of the world instead of the glow of God's presence and miss His glorious gifts right in front of me. Proverbs 4:25 "Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you." PRAYER: Fix my eyes on Your Glory, O Savior, and flood my soul with the Light of Your Presence. Keep my gaze straight, and deafen my heart to the distractions of this world, knowing that even the "ravens" are in Your control and for Your purpose. Remind me to rejoice always in Your creation, Your beauty and Your blessings all around me. Amen.

Sorrow and Joy. Me too.

Ruth and Naomi. What a paradox, what a story. Recently our Pastor preached from Ruth 1 with perspectives and insights that shook me. A father leading his family away from the promised land because things got hard. 2020 was hard. Then so was 2021. In fact, other years have been hard, some much harder for us personally. How easy to turn away from God's promises and look for worldly solutions when times are hard. Been there, done that. Naomi calulated her self-worth based on her role as a wife, mother to her children, instead of the exquisite value of God's creation as part of HIS special plan for her. When her expectations of what "should be", what she was worth in her own eyes, fell apart, she was filled with bitterness. "Naomi" - bitter. How very much of my life I've done the same. Bitter - me too. Orpah listened to logic and turned back to see if she could find a better solution. This is what the world, relatives, your own heart and mind tell us is the "right" thing to do. Yep, me too. Only Ruth stuck it out and claimed "my God" before she even knew if she would die of hunger and how severe she might be persecuted in a community that she knew would hate her. The heartache of poverty, losing loved ones, moving from home, ring as only distant truths in the depths of sorrow in my soul so I cannot fully understand the hardness of her decision but only know a shadow of it. The joy of knowing that the Lord is in control, has an eternal plan and remains sovereign even in sorrow... I also know only as shadows not having to personally endure such deep sorrow of loss. But still her faith in the midst of severe unknown trials while grieving the loss of a spouse and dire famine yet choosing to remain faithful to rely on, trust in God, those are mountains and valleys that I can see through Ruth's eyes, or in my sisters who have - or right now are - enduring pain of the deepest kind. These circumstances are creating severe sorrow, but also I see their joy in the LORD multiplied through that sorrow. Ruth is mirrored in each of us. And as family, we share these sorrows and these joys. Me too. If we let the Lord water our sorrow with HIS love and words, it will blossom into joy. And we will be part of HIS story - like Ruth - whose hard decisions, love of her family, willingness to trust the Lord - was blessed as one who was an ancestor of the King of Kings Himself! How good the Lord is to take our small lives and use them for HIS eternal, unending glory. Today - right now - let every decision I make be in trust of Your faithfullness like Ruth - let me too.

What happens if after "Going Home" you "Leave Home..."

Recently I was brought back to this old blog and was shocked at how different my life is now compared to 7 or 10 or more years ago. Of course, now it's 2022 and everyone's life has changed due to COVID and all its ripple effects. Six years ago I went back to work. After COVID working from home, everyone is talking about, and doing studies on "Return to Work" or "Return to Office" (RTW/RTO). After being sure I was to "Go Home and Tell" many years ago - a beautiful season of life - it became clear in 2015 that I was to "Leave Home and Go Back", "Return to Work". Back to work, back to the non-family mission field, back to having to worry about hair, and clothes and things that I know don't matter for eternity but unfortunately do matter in the workplace. I was very frustrated - again "my" plans had been sidetracked - didn't the Lord call me home? Didn't HE call me to pour my life into my husband, family, community, church, ministering to those around me? Why in the world would HE call me to go back into "Egypt"? Or did HE............ maybe HE is calling me to be obedient to HIS timing, HIS calling, HIS place of service, once again taking me out of my comfort zone and putting me back into a place I did not choose. In the past six plus years, I am back face-to-face with my old demons, my old fears of not being "successful", my old frustrations of inequalities, injustices, incentive tempations to push my way through. Had I not grown any in the Lord and knowledge of who HE was, who I was, how to rely totally on HIM alone? Had I not learned to trust Him and His timing and ways at all during those years when I went home to tell? On top of that, some of those precious children are now grown and have chosen to walk away from the love of Christ. Talk about feeling like a failure. Feeling like years and tears have been wasted and now I have to return back to the old dog-eat-dog-I'll-never-be-good-enough work world and face all of my fears and frustrations. Oh, ouch - "I", "me", "my" keeps ringing in my ears (and evident in those sentences above!). Was I sure that I was being called back into the work world and being obedient or was it just our financial needs (wants) of the "I" "me" "my"s? I'm not sure. At some point, though, I have learned one thing - GOD is bigger than my choices - good, bad and ugly ones. And so I trust that even if the reason I "Left Home" to go back was the wrong reason, HE knew that before I did and if I seek to be a vessel for HIM, HE will use that decision anyway. How do I know this? Well, years in to this "new" journey I see now that HE has brought across my path at work many with broken marriages, estranged children, a father whose son was murdered in mistaken identity as a drug dealer, a 52 year old wife who lost 4 children to miscarriage and then lost her love-of-her-life husband unexpectedly to an anuerysm, a 9/11 NY twin towers survivor still dealing with the guilt of surviving, two single Moms at totally different stages of life, two different Muslim women from other countries, an MK who had lost his zeal for Christ, several managers who have had very negative experiences with "church" and therefore sadly do not understand the true love of Christ and the cross, and some beautiful sweet sisters in Christ who encourage me in my wobbly walk. Someone once said even a small, quick matchlight penetrates the deepest darkness to bring light and hope. And the LIGHT OF THE WORLD has promised to be with us, no matter where we are. That's one sweet promise.

Valentine Thoughts

Here it is again.  That silly holiday that everyone agrees was pushed on us by card and flower companies, but we keep it up anyway since it is another break from the routine, and an excuse to stop and say those words that we often forget to say in the regularness of life.  But that's not my point.  I wanted to remind everyone that your husband - wife - "special friend" (my MIL's favorite term) or whatever term you use - will never make you happy.  Now before you start cyber-egging me, hear me out.  No one person can ever, ever make you happy.  No matter how amazing and great and thoughtful and kind and caring and.... they are.  I should know - I am married to one of those kind!  If you are single and looking for your "soul mate" to make you happy, I am sorry but it just ain't gonna happen.  And if you are constantly disappointed with your spouse, same thing.  Because you see at the end of the day, it is only YOU who can make yourself happy - or content - or joyful - or - - [insert favorite emotion here].  Now, this doesn't mean to make yourself an ego maniac.  That will definitely not lead to true, meaningful happiness or any other good emotion.  But what I am saying is we have a choice.  Every moment of every day.  My grandfather had a hard life, abandoned at age 6, barely being fed or clothed, and yet I never saw or heard bitterness or envy in him.  He chose to be content, to be bitter-free, to be a light in a dark world.  He chose happiness.  I know my grandmother did things to make his life better, to show her love for him, to be a true helpmate, to be a vessel of joy and contentment to be poured into their lives together.  But he still had to chose happiness.  So if you are looking for a gift, a card or flowers, or date night, or just time with your hubby to make you happy you will be disappointed.  On the other hand, if you look for joy in those things, for gratitude for what you do have, and for the bad you do not have, you will be choosing happiness no matter the circumstances.  Through our choices we can allow the peace and true happiness of Christ to takeover and take hold of every hope of happiness.  Take it from one who has spent decades doing it the wrong way, looking for happiness in all the wrong places, and who will have to reread this herself often to not forget happiness is a choice.  Happy Valentines and Happy Happiness :) !

Thanksgiving Thoughts

This Thanksgiving two of our children were in other states.  Actually a state.  Pretty far from home, but close in our hearts like many, many other families were experiencing for a multitude of reasons.  Two others were  celebrating  elsewhere and not able to come.  But this Thanksgiving also brought extended family here to us for the first time - for their first Thanksgiving from halfway around the world.  And it reminded me that each day, holiday or not, provides new opportunities for me to relate to new and old friends and family.  Instead of wishing for the time when all the children were "under foot" and we were all together (yes, every Mom's wish!), I realized that one of the blessings of grown children is that your family keeps growing in numbers.  Even if you don't have grandchildren being born, the grown ones are making new friends, getting married and adding "in-loves" to the family, connecting with new coworkers or roommates or classmates.  And it dawned on me this Thanksgiving that I am thankful for new connections.  New opportunities to pray for, and with, and about, wonderful, unique, beautifully created people that just last Thanksgiving I didn't know, or knew to a lesser extent.  What a wonderful gift.  The gift of new connections.  The gift of opportunity to share life and share heartaches and share laughter and share memories with old friends and new alike.  As a young girl scout we used to sing this song on the camp bus, "Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold."  How very true.  But for the believer, it also has a deeper meaning.  Connection with fellow believers brings deeper ties than even the best friendship - it brings true sisterhood and brotherhood that is eternal.  It brings a shared purpose for ourselves, a shared burden for others, a shared joy in Christ, and a shared beautiful, wonderful, amazing perspective on the true meaning and value of life itself.

Thank you, Jesus Christ, for this day, for these many days, where You have added to that treasure in my heart called fellowship.  Thank you for Your Salvation, Your guidance, Your love that blossoms in that sweet temporary fellowship that is only a glimpse of the perfect fellowship to come.  Help us, O Lord and Master, to seize the opportunity to expand the fellowship in whatever way you put before us.  Help us not to get caught up in the temporary filling of our bellies with worldly things but to keep our eyes on the beauty of the eternal, so that none will be left out of the feast to come.  -Amen.